This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
