we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
