i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
