I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
