I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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