You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
