Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
