it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
