I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
