I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize