what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
