FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
