The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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