I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
