You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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