Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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