I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
