DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
