There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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