We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
