she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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