just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Can I color on your dick again?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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