My liver just broke up with me...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
