Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
