how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize