I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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