At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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