I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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