I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
