the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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