I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
