She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
