You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
