some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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