I showed him my bush... on skype.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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