kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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