Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
