Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
