A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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