If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
