I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
