my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
