i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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