Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
People in love make me want to vomit
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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