Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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