I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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