There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
