Someone shit on the floor
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
