Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize