I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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