i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
