Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
