I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
