i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
