you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
