I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
