There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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