i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
